I love this baby so much it hurts.
For some reason I cannot stop thinking about my return to work and how Annie and I are going to feel. I miss her already and I haven't even started work yet. The thought of leaving her makes me feel phsyically sick.
My eyes "water" non-stop now, even at the slightest though of work or Annie. I can only imagine what they will be like in a few more weeks, or worse, on that first day back. WAH. I had just calmed down after a long cry fest and then I decided to check the blog and put on a few pictures. Well, I stupidly read the comments on the last post. :( Tears again...as my Mom posted such nice words.
I don't like feeling this vulnerable and raw and wish there was another option. So many of my friends have found a way to change their work shift, start a new business opportunity or decide to stay at home all together to raise their family. Yes, I always saw myself balancing a career and a family, but now I am not so sure how it's going to work or if it's even the right choice. Is it wrong that I am secretly jealous of my friends who get to have the best of both worlds?
I know it's a matter of time before we all adjust and that I'll be off again in the summer but it doesn't help to be reminded of that fact. It also doesn't help when people remind me daily about my return to work. Infact, all it does it make me sad. I am not even sure why I need a reminder. I've known about my return to work date for well over a year. It's not a surprise to me in the least. The only surprise is that I have actually loved (almost) every day I've been able to spend on Mat Leave with Annie.
I remember my first day alone with Annie and how I blogged about my feelings. Mainly fear and anxiety over actually enjoying being at home for a whole year. That night after I posted my Mom called me to remind me I may not want to have my feelings posted so publicly. I saw her point, but decided I wanted to document what I was really feeling.
For those of you who are curious here are the answers to the questions I keep getting...I return to work on April 22nd. No, I am not looking forward to it. Yes, we have daycare lined up and will slowly start transitioning Annie staring on Monday.
ETA: Now that I am in a better mood today, I realised I forgot to share in one of Annie's latest achievments. Her latest thing has been to pinch, grab, pull at my skin, hair, eyes etc. So my reaction is not to say "NO!", instead I say "OUCH!" Well, apparently I've been saying it a lot as yesterday Annie said "Ouch" several times as she pinched my face :) It was cute, but it actually really does hurt.
xo,
Amber
It's not wrong to be jealous, the grass is always greener. Think of the pro's you will be able to pee in privacy, no baby/toddler pulling at your pants, you won't have to share your lunch, and you can eat without a rush or forgetting to eat because you were trying to get nap time started. Hehee ;) And that gorgeous smile and those sparkling eyes will be happy to see you at pick up time and make the whole day worth it!
ReplyDeleteAmber,
ReplyDeleteI can't say I know how you're feeling, obviously, I have no idea. But, I do think that everything will work out for best. Make the most of the "Mommy and Annie" time you have now, and make a point to make "Mommy and Annie" time when you go back to work. I'm sure it wont be easy - but I guess it is just something that has to be done.... Who knows, maybe you WILL find a way to change your lifestyle, all while balancing work and family... I can tell that you are an amazing mother, and you will always do what is best for you and your family.
Keep your chin up Amber.
Lots of love.
My dearest Amber,
ReplyDeleteYou were born to be a mother and a teacher and so much more! It is not easy to balance all the roles, but it can be done as long as you take time out for the most important person and that is you. The next most important relationship is with your husband. If the two of you are in sync and work as a team, then Annie will have two great role models and two happy parents. I was jealous of friends who did not have to go back to work and I am jealous (but also happy) that women can have a year off with their babies now. Looking back on all my past and current friendships with coworkers and all my experiences at work, I realize that maintaining the ability to use your work intellect actually makes you a better parent. If I had a choice, I think that working part-time outside the home is the best of both worlds, and hopefully that will be a choice you can make in the near future. You are a fantastic mother and you and Mason already work as a team, so just go easy on yourself. Mother guilt is BRUTAL!!!
Love you,
Vivian